|
Parenting the Parents : A rewarding experience for adult children
Sanghamitra Chakraborty
Assistant Teacher
Sujata Devi Vidya Mandir (High School for Girls)
This may be a high-strung romanticized view of Old Age as felt by the poet. But this is the truth. Old Age associated with Death, awaits everyone, rich and pauper alike. This is a continuous process. We are born to age. Old age is the last leg of a life's long journey. It can really become worthy if it is sustained by the supportive care of the adult children.
The latest demography shows that world population has more than doubled in the last half-century, as in 1950 there were a mere two and a half billion people in the world. In the first half of 21 st century the world population has reached 10 billion. This growth has come about through fewer babies dying and adults living longer. Life expectancy has increased significantly. In 1995 it was estimated that 371 million people (6% of the world population) were above the age of 65. The increased survival rate beyond 65 years means that the percentage of the elderly who are in their 80s is growing all the time. Again how long someone lives depends in great part on where one lives. Thus it has been seen that the percentage of elderly population is much higher in Europe and North America than in Latin America and Asia and Africa .
Now shifting our vision from this very much global arena let us throw a searchlight into our inner self to help us delve how to tackle several problems related to aging population on a very personal level.
The bond between the parents and the children is an eternal one. It begins even before the birth of a child. As both the parents and the children age, this bond becomes stronger and stronger. Then as the children approach their middle years they can fully appreciate the waxing and waning cycles that exist in their relationships with their parents throughout the years. The children now notice that frailty has subtly taken over the bodies of their fathers and mothers. Their energy level has reduced. Given a choice, they choose staying home alone over going to outside. It takes Mom or Dad longer to get up and get dressed up than they used to. Minutes before it is time to leave for, say, a dinner at a restaurant, Dad will call to say, “See, your mother and me are just not feeling dining outside today.” ‘Inflexible' has become a regular word in the vocabulary of the adult children as they desperately struggle with their parents' inability with changes in routines or last minute plans. Herein the question of role reversal arises. Now, the time ahs come parent those senior citizens who have parented them once helping them come to this level of maturity. Now they are in dire need of care which once they had showered upon their offspring.
In general people's bodily functions decrease when they grow older. Nevertheless old age is not always synonymous with diseases. A good majority of old people can still lead a healthy life braving old age whilst some may have heart problem or lung, liver or intestinal diseases. Whatever their condition may be, the adult children should become caregivers and become vigilant about the physiological changes that their elders will certainly exhibit during the aging process.
Physiological changes in elderly people
In general old people have a poor vision. They may have cataract or glaucoma. The elderly may have also a lessened hearing ability. So when talking to them one should talk loudly to them avoiding shouting. Elderly people get easily tired due to diminished endocrine function and decreased metabolism. They may have also general weakness which can slow down their pace. In some cases they need assistance and if the condition is safe while the elderly is able to move by himself or herself they should be allowed simply to go ahead. Again owing to decreased functioning of renal system, old people may have problems such as inconsistent or frequent urination etc. In such cases what they need utmost is assistance and patience.
Psychological changes
There are psychological changes when people are getting old. Adult children as caregivers need to take care of their minds also. Sometimes our elderly parents tend to resist strangers and do not trust people. So before starting any health care procedure to them or even altering something at home, say, moving furniture or fixing a new one they should be told beforehand what is going to be done. This could avoid un-cooperation. Old people often suffer from loss of ability to use speech or to understand speech due to diminished activity of brain. This is called aphasia. They require patience while communicating with them. Let them finish what they want to say. With the advent of death in family or friends or even neighborhood old people may experience certain emotional changes. When dealing with elderly parents adult children should never take death granted for aging parents are, their privacy should be properly protected and respected. It should be borne in mind that patience and respect is the basic principle on which the foundation of the strong bond of parent-child is laid out.
Physicians and geriatric social workers warn that there are a number of danger signals that indicate an elderly person needs extra help or a change in living arrangements. Any marked change in personality or behavior should be heeded. However, no change in life style should be made without discussion with the elderly person concerned, other family members, doctors or other health professionals.
Danger Signals
• Sudden weight loss could be an indication that the elderly person is simply not eating or preparing foods.
• Failure to take medication or over-dosing may indicate confusion, forgetfulness or a misunderstanding of the doctor's instructions
• Burns or injury marks may indicate physical problems involving general weakness.
• Deterioration of personal habits such as infrequent bathing, not shaving or not wearing dentures could be the result of either mental or physical problem.
• General forgetfulness such as not paying bills, missing appointments or consistently forgetting names, addresses, phone numbers, meal time could be a danger signal.
• Extreme suspiciousness that everyone is conspiring could indicate some thought disorder. Intense or ungrounded fears about dire consequences may be a danger signal.
• A series of small fire-accidents caused by dozing off, forgetting to turn off stove or appliances or carelessness with matches may indicate black outs or dizzy spells.
• Bizarre behavior of any kind could be a warning sign. This behavior could be dressing opposite garments in opposite weather and like. Uncharacteristic action or speeches also should be heeded.
• Disorientation of a consistent nature may indicate a need for help, for example not knowing who one is, where one is or talking to people who are not there.
So we see taking care of elderly parents is not an easy task. Life does not prepare one for this responsibility. Everyone embarking on the role of caregiver has to prepare him / her self. A sensitive adult child suddenly can sense all is not going normal with his / her aging parents. They are having trouble getting around the house, with their personal hygiene, finances etc. They are not remembering things as easily as they once did.
But the good news is that for most people there is time to get it right. If one is lucky enough to have one's elderly parents in more or less good physical and mental state, this is the perfect moment to start talking and listening to them. The adult children should try to find out what is important to them, what independence means to them as they age and how good their health care is and finally, how they want to live out their days.
Now, how do we know what is the time to step in? Herein the question about assessment yardsticks comes up. An assessment is a full review of a person's mental, physical, environmental and financial condition to determine his / her ability to remain safely and well-being. It should be kept in mind that there is a significant difference between helping one's parents and becoming their parents. The aging parents must have the choice to think independently and live a life of their own as long as they can. “Your job is not to control your parents' Lives but to allow them to maintain as much control as possible.” says Virginia Morris, the author of the book, “How to care for Aging Parents“. The adult children should try to keep in mind that their aging parents have the right to make decisions and even mistakes.
As observed earlier talking out with our elderly parents about their living situations and the possible need for change is not an easy task. A successful conversion with the parents however depends a lot upon the relationship we have with them as well of course as on our parent's mental, emotional and physical condition. Both are equally vital. There are many people who put off serious conversations with their parents to avoid conflict or awkward situation with them. In these cases both parent and adult child may lose an opportunity for closeness, understanding, access to information that may affect the decision and optimum peace of mind.
So to the extent possible the adult child – care givers should talk with their parents gently and honestly about their wishes, their abilities and their options. More often than not these conversations help and put the adult child in a better position to make decisions later about them when their parents would be unable to do so about themselves.
The following suggestions may help to some extent towards making a healthy and strong bond between the adult children and their elderly parents.
• The adult child should share his / her own feeling and reassure the parents that he / she will support them and can be depended upon to help them solve their problems.
• The adult children should help their elderly parents to retain whatever control is possible in making their own decisions and try to honor their wishes as far as practicable.
• The adult children should be well-conversant with legal, financial or medical matters concerning their parents including current knowledge of the aging process.
• The adult children must be honest with their parents about their own time schedule, work-load and above all energy-limit.
• They should keep track of their parents' medical appointments and should go along with them if possible. They should make sure their aging parents are taking their medication properly.
The adult children should make sure their elderly parents stand social and active. Sad to say but statistics reveal that those who retire and do absolutely nothing are 90% more likely to die within 10 years than those who stay active or remain working at least part-time. If that is not possible, they should at least be made to feel the vibration of the outside world by being provided with books, magazines or newspapers. They also may be encouraged to watch various programs on television according to their choice. They may even try their hands on learning new languages or computer. At best, besides being physically well, they also should remain cerebrally active as far as possible.
|
